We all have stories that make us who we are. They are complex, they are interwoven with other people's stories and they are extremely subjective. It makes it hard to talk about ourselves and our pasts. What do you include? Do you start at the beginning? Do you bring up that one incident that might help explain things better but requires even more explanation to explain how that had the effect that it did? Do you mention the time your best friend stopped talking to you and how you never found out why? Do you talk about the boy, the first love, that swore he would never go anywhere and then disappeared? Do you talk about your suicidal mother, and the fear you had growing up that anytime you were less-than-happy, she would feel like she failed and would kill herself? Does the fact that your story ended, for 43 seconds, matter in the course of figuring out who you are and why?
I'm not sure. Scott keeps asking me why I never bring it up in conversations about my life. It does help complete the picture, but it is a hard thing for me to contextualize. I never intend to write a book. Not about this. I have decided that everyone who has experienced "near death" has a different story, a different experience, and a different way of thinking about it. Because of this, we can't really know for sure what really is "on the other side". And I don't think any of us really can. I do know if this particular set of events had not happened, then I would never have met Scott or had Nicholas (longer, more convoluted story for another time). And that is enough for me to say that God had everything to do with it.
Sometime before Spring Break my senior year of high school I developed a kidney stone that required lithroscopic removal. I will spare the details of that procedure. It was routine, and I was sent home with Vicodin and Bactrum. Sometime within the next two days, I started feeling cold. I remember it started slowly. I sat on the porch hoping the sun would warm me. Later I took a hot bath. When none of those things worked, I put on my sweats and crawled under the blankets. Despite all my efforts, I suddenly could not stop shivering. My teeth chattered. Then my insides were convulsing. I started vomiting and could not stop. It felt like my stomach was trying to claw its way through my esophagus. All I could do was reach the cordless phone receiver and start punching the "page handset" button. Eventually my mom came into the room to figure out why it was beeping and saw me. I was rushed to the hospital, flashers on with my head in a plastic bag. Despite a 103.8 fever and violent vomiting convulsions, I was still required to wait for three hours. The room they put me in was essentially a converted storage closet, and they forgot about me multiple times. I was given Demerol every two hours and hooked up to constant fluids to rehydrate me. I was left there all night before any doctor came to the room.
Sometime the following morning (twelve hours after being admitted), I was told to drink three cups of barium for a contrast. It was only after I gagged down the liquid that forever ruined cherry kool-aid for me that someone realized that I didn't need to do that. My doctor came and went, prescribing more pain meds and fluids, and I was finally moved to a room that afternoon. The nurses came to take my blood pressure and laughed when they got a reading that meant I should have been unconscious. They assumed the cuff was broken. My chest was hurting, and I commented to one of them that I was having trouble breathing. She told me that it was probably due to all the vomiting and suggested I try eating a Popsicle.
At this point my dad (who realized I was wheezing but couldn't get a nurse to come check me) went down to his truck to get his own stethoscope. On the elevator he ran into my grandmother's doctor who was leaving for the day,and told him about my situation. Dr. T (as he became known to me) immediately came to check on me and became alarmed. I had been on IV fluids for 17 hours and had not once peed. My lungs were full of fluid, my stomach was full of fluid, my blood pressure was non-existent, and I had begun to hallucinate.
At this point, I have snapshots of memory interwoven in a way that makes it hard to separate what happened and what I imagined. Being wheeled down to CCU. Looking up and seeing light pouring through a cathedral window as I lay on the floor. A tube being inserted in my chest. Realizing I was completely covered with a white sheet and pulling it back from my face. A catheter being inserted, removed, reinserted. An old man in white scrubs sitting alone beside my bed holding my hand. An oxygen mask being placed over my face and panic as I realize I am drowning. An empty room with wooden pews. Safety. Security. A Defibrillator. And then it was morning again, and no one could quite believe I was still there. Except me. I never thought for a second that I was going to die.
Physically, I suffered from Septic Shock and Pneumonia. I should not have been alive, but there was a new antibiotic that the hospital had received that month that saved my life. Spiritually, I have no diagnosis. My experience felt so clear at the time. I just knew I had all the answers. Time and distance have blurred my memories and made me realize that my experience is only true for me. I can't pretend that anyone should "Take my word for it". But I also know I needed to write it down before I completely forgot everything.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
2-and-30 is the new 1-and-20
This month I am totally geeked out about buying Nicholas's new car seat. He is officially one (and started walking last week!! Woohoo!) and is nearing the height limitations on his infant carrier. Before he was born, I had been under the impression that as soon as he turned one, it would be safe to turn him around to forward-facing in his car seat, and our lives would be much easier. I have since been shown way too many graphic videos that show just what can happen in a car accident if your child is turned around too early, and we have officially decided to keep Nicholas rear-facing as long as we can. At least another year, but we will see how big he is by then.
Our little guy was 20.5 lbs at his one-year check up (10-20%) and 30.5 inches long (75%!!!), so he is a little bean pole. A precious bean pole that I would do anything to protect. Including ride in the back seat for our 20 hour road trips just to keep him company and keep him from screaming (even though back seat rides leave me nauseous). That also means I did lots of research on his new car seat and decided that the insane $369 price tag on the Britax Advocate 70 CS was worth it. The side impact wings may seem like overkill, but I would rather overdo it than risk the alternative. The list of features alone makes me drool the way I used to over a pair of Ferragamo heels or new ceramic hair straightener. I have watched the product video at least a dozen times. I was sold when I discovered that you can remove the cover without undoing the harness straps or taking the car seat out of the car.
Of course, I never pay full price for anything (Nicholas's brand new pair of Robeez cost just $3.50 at a consignment store), so I did some research and found the same car seat on albeebaby.com for $277 with free shipping. The website was recommended to me, so I knew it was a legit site. I was already going to get the car seat at that price, too, but then a gift from Nicholas's grandparents caused the price to drop for us significantly more, and we wound up paying less than $100 out of pocket for the best car seat I could find on the market.
I am aware that this isn't doable for everyone. Britax has the best reputation out there for safety and quality, but you really are paying for the extra comfy padding and convenience features. The Advocate is also the most expensive seat they make,. The Evenflo Triumph is a convertible car seat with equally good safety ratings, and it is priced far, far less than Britax. We just go on 20 hour road trips twice a year, and Nicholas will be spending a lot of time in his seat, so I wanted to get one that would make it as comfortable for him as possible.
The most important thing to me is that parents are made aware that it is best to keep your child rear-facing as long as possible. I know it is a pain. Nicholas hates being in the back unable to see us, but I would rather listen to him fuss than to lose him in an accident. Chances are we will never be in a wreck that would be bad enough for this to be important, but I am not going to bet my child's life on it.
Our little guy was 20.5 lbs at his one-year check up (10-20%) and 30.5 inches long (75%!!!), so he is a little bean pole. A precious bean pole that I would do anything to protect. Including ride in the back seat for our 20 hour road trips just to keep him company and keep him from screaming (even though back seat rides leave me nauseous). That also means I did lots of research on his new car seat and decided that the insane $369 price tag on the Britax Advocate 70 CS was worth it. The side impact wings may seem like overkill, but I would rather overdo it than risk the alternative. The list of features alone makes me drool the way I used to over a pair of Ferragamo heels or new ceramic hair straightener. I have watched the product video at least a dozen times. I was sold when I discovered that you can remove the cover without undoing the harness straps or taking the car seat out of the car.
Of course, I never pay full price for anything (Nicholas's brand new pair of Robeez cost just $3.50 at a consignment store), so I did some research and found the same car seat on albeebaby.com for $277 with free shipping. The website was recommended to me, so I knew it was a legit site. I was already going to get the car seat at that price, too, but then a gift from Nicholas's grandparents caused the price to drop for us significantly more, and we wound up paying less than $100 out of pocket for the best car seat I could find on the market.
I am aware that this isn't doable for everyone. Britax has the best reputation out there for safety and quality, but you really are paying for the extra comfy padding and convenience features. The Advocate is also the most expensive seat they make,. The Evenflo Triumph is a convertible car seat with equally good safety ratings, and it is priced far, far less than Britax. We just go on 20 hour road trips twice a year, and Nicholas will be spending a lot of time in his seat, so I wanted to get one that would make it as comfortable for him as possible.
The most important thing to me is that parents are made aware that it is best to keep your child rear-facing as long as possible. I know it is a pain. Nicholas hates being in the back unable to see us, but I would rather listen to him fuss than to lose him in an accident. Chances are we will never be in a wreck that would be bad enough for this to be important, but I am not going to bet my child's life on it.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Where did the last eleven months go?
In less than a month, Nicholas will be turning the big 01!!! I can't believe how fast a year goes by. Or how stressful the idea of planning a birthday party is. I don't want to do anything too big because he is too young to remember or really enjoy a lot of things. But I do want to do something special. And trying to make something special always stresses me out because it never turns out as well in real life as in my head.
And I am officially making the "cake" (cupcakes), and I am completely inept at decorating. I've tried. I have failed. At least they taste yummy. We are doing a Dr. Seuss theme. And I have no idea where to find "fish-shaped" cookie cutters.
The past week Nicholas has learned to wave! He sort of sounds like he says "hi" when he does it too. And he calls Buttercup "BaBa" when he sees her. "Mama" is his current favorite word; unfortunately, anyone and everyone qualifies as "mama". He also has learned to point to what he wants. He is growing so fast!
He isn't walking yet, which really stresses me out. I guess because Scott and I both walked before we were 10 months old. And he seems to have completely stalled in this area of development. He reached the cruising stage more than three months ago and has just stayed there. I know he isn't officially "behind" yet, but he is not progressing like it seems he should. Everyone thinks I am stressing over nothing, but this is my first child, and I am already given to neuroticism.
I have several theories to justify his delay (and comfort myself when people start saying, "He isn't walking yet? My kid walked at six months!"):
1. He has taken tons and tons of falls. He has hit his little head on our ceramic tile so many times that he has learned that it hurts to take chances.
2. He is super efficient at getting around. He can climb on things (like the fireplace) and get back down easily. He can walk one-handed along anything. He can crawl to what he wants, and he carries what he needs in his mouth or in one hand. Why would he need to walk when he can already get to what he wants?
3. He has been learning new skills in every other area, so he hasn't had time for walking. He has learned to feed himself. He has started learning to communicate with words and gestures. He is learning to dance to music. He has figured out how to work so many toys that are supposed to be for older children.
4. There are doors. He loves to open and close all kinds of doors. It is all he ever cares about when in a room that has one. His obsession with learning to walk has transferred into an obsession with doors. We may have to seek professional help with that one.
Other than the walking thing, he is the funniest, happiest child you will ever meet. He is so incredibly charming that even strangers comment on his cuteness all the time. I may be biased, but I think we may have lucked out on getting the coolest kid around.
And I am officially making the "cake" (cupcakes), and I am completely inept at decorating. I've tried. I have failed. At least they taste yummy. We are doing a Dr. Seuss theme. And I have no idea where to find "fish-shaped" cookie cutters.
The past week Nicholas has learned to wave! He sort of sounds like he says "hi" when he does it too. And he calls Buttercup "BaBa" when he sees her. "Mama" is his current favorite word; unfortunately, anyone and everyone qualifies as "mama". He also has learned to point to what he wants. He is growing so fast!
He isn't walking yet, which really stresses me out. I guess because Scott and I both walked before we were 10 months old. And he seems to have completely stalled in this area of development. He reached the cruising stage more than three months ago and has just stayed there. I know he isn't officially "behind" yet, but he is not progressing like it seems he should. Everyone thinks I am stressing over nothing, but this is my first child, and I am already given to neuroticism.
I have several theories to justify his delay (and comfort myself when people start saying, "He isn't walking yet? My kid walked at six months!"):
1. He has taken tons and tons of falls. He has hit his little head on our ceramic tile so many times that he has learned that it hurts to take chances.
2. He is super efficient at getting around. He can climb on things (like the fireplace) and get back down easily. He can walk one-handed along anything. He can crawl to what he wants, and he carries what he needs in his mouth or in one hand. Why would he need to walk when he can already get to what he wants?
3. He has been learning new skills in every other area, so he hasn't had time for walking. He has learned to feed himself. He has started learning to communicate with words and gestures. He is learning to dance to music. He has figured out how to work so many toys that are supposed to be for older children.
4. There are doors. He loves to open and close all kinds of doors. It is all he ever cares about when in a room that has one. His obsession with learning to walk has transferred into an obsession with doors. We may have to seek professional help with that one.
Other than the walking thing, he is the funniest, happiest child you will ever meet. He is so incredibly charming that even strangers comment on his cuteness all the time. I may be biased, but I think we may have lucked out on getting the coolest kid around.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Double Digit Infant
Nicholas officially turned TEN months on the first! I have to admit that this one snuck up on me. I usually feel like I am calling him a month older for several days before he actually is that month. Now I keep having to remind myself that he is NOT nine months old.
I really thought Nicholas would be walking by now, but he has proven time and again that he will do things on his own when he decides to do them. He has stood on his own only a handful of times, but mostly he gets scared and will grab onto something to keep his balance. He has officially been crawling for five months, and he is so efficient with it that he may have decided he never needs to learn to walk. He also can pull up to a stand on anything and cruises one-handed along furniture. We have also noticed him getting his feet under him when he is playing and sort of bouncing in a squat. I just have to remind myself to be patient. He is not on a timeline. But it is so hard when I am so excited to see him discover new things.
Christmas was lots of fun this year. Nick loves to eat wrapping paper and gets extremely excited when he unwraps something and discovers there is a BOX underneath! How awesome is that? And then when there is something inside of the box...oh man, he squeals and bounces and gets so animated. He got tons of loot from both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa. We are still in Ohio, and we are not sure we will have room in our car for all of his stuff. We may have to leave Scott and let him hitchhike home. ;-)
Snow was a fun experience as well. Grandma K bought a little sled for him, and he had so much fun getting pulled around and going down the hill in their backyard. He didn't seem to mind the cold at all. At least not until he thought it would be fun to try to eat the snow and discovered it was icy!! The tears only lasted for a few seconds anyway and then he was back to playing.
The most amazing transition in the last month is how much Nicholas has started playing on his own. It is so great to watch him play and discover new things. He will drive his cars around and make a "zoom" sound. He loves anything that has a door flap on it, and he will open and close any sort of door over and over and over again. He got a barn for Christmas and plays with the barn door, "mooing" along with the cow. He also has started "dancing" to all of his toys that make music. He got a little sports center for Christmas from Grandma C and within minutes figured out to put the basketball in the basketball hoop. This morning he put a bunch of cars in his ball popper (we think it's because it has what looks like a race track on it that the balls roll down). He also will play peekaboo by lifting a blanket over his face and lowering it and squealing. Unfortunately, he also does this with his bib when he is eating and often ends up covered in food!
On Christmas Eve, just as he was drifting off to sleep, he started clapping his hands open palmed for the first time. He now claps whenever he accomplishes anything, and it is soooo cute! This morning he was sleeping and got this smile on his face and started clapping in his sleep.
"Mama" "Dada" and "Baba" have now become part of his language in the past month as well. Unfortunately, he does not seem to associate them with anything. I have noticed when he picks up something off the floor, he will hold it up and in this high pitched squeal, say "Wassaaat", which I interpret to be a precursor to "What's that?"
This blog post has no real purpose or point. It just kind of rambles on, but I am just in awe of this little miracle every day. It is so amazing just to watch him look a little older every day and discover new and wonderful things.
I really thought Nicholas would be walking by now, but he has proven time and again that he will do things on his own when he decides to do them. He has stood on his own only a handful of times, but mostly he gets scared and will grab onto something to keep his balance. He has officially been crawling for five months, and he is so efficient with it that he may have decided he never needs to learn to walk. He also can pull up to a stand on anything and cruises one-handed along furniture. We have also noticed him getting his feet under him when he is playing and sort of bouncing in a squat. I just have to remind myself to be patient. He is not on a timeline. But it is so hard when I am so excited to see him discover new things.
Christmas was lots of fun this year. Nick loves to eat wrapping paper and gets extremely excited when he unwraps something and discovers there is a BOX underneath! How awesome is that? And then when there is something inside of the box...oh man, he squeals and bounces and gets so animated. He got tons of loot from both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa. We are still in Ohio, and we are not sure we will have room in our car for all of his stuff. We may have to leave Scott and let him hitchhike home. ;-)
Snow was a fun experience as well. Grandma K bought a little sled for him, and he had so much fun getting pulled around and going down the hill in their backyard. He didn't seem to mind the cold at all. At least not until he thought it would be fun to try to eat the snow and discovered it was icy!! The tears only lasted for a few seconds anyway and then he was back to playing.
The most amazing transition in the last month is how much Nicholas has started playing on his own. It is so great to watch him play and discover new things. He will drive his cars around and make a "zoom" sound. He loves anything that has a door flap on it, and he will open and close any sort of door over and over and over again. He got a barn for Christmas and plays with the barn door, "mooing" along with the cow. He also has started "dancing" to all of his toys that make music. He got a little sports center for Christmas from Grandma C and within minutes figured out to put the basketball in the basketball hoop. This morning he put a bunch of cars in his ball popper (we think it's because it has what looks like a race track on it that the balls roll down). He also will play peekaboo by lifting a blanket over his face and lowering it and squealing. Unfortunately, he also does this with his bib when he is eating and often ends up covered in food!
On Christmas Eve, just as he was drifting off to sleep, he started clapping his hands open palmed for the first time. He now claps whenever he accomplishes anything, and it is soooo cute! This morning he was sleeping and got this smile on his face and started clapping in his sleep.
"Mama" "Dada" and "Baba" have now become part of his language in the past month as well. Unfortunately, he does not seem to associate them with anything. I have noticed when he picks up something off the floor, he will hold it up and in this high pitched squeal, say "Wassaaat", which I interpret to be a precursor to "What's that?"
This blog post has no real purpose or point. It just kind of rambles on, but I am just in awe of this little miracle every day. It is so amazing just to watch him look a little older every day and discover new and wonderful things.
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