Formula Is For Parents Who Love Their Children Less...Right?

Before I gave birth, I was adamant that under no circumstances would my child be fed formula.  I had been reading everything the "Breast Is Best" campaign had been producing, and I knew that formula was bad news.  Formula is so passé anyway. Everyone who is anyone breast feeds these days.


Why else would they make such fashionable nursing covers?

I was angry at my mother for giving me formula when I was a baby.  I felt sorry for children whose mothers didn't love them enough to give them breast milk.  I ached for women whose breasts just didn't make milk.  And I was so far on my high horse that I knew I would be a far better mother than any of them because I would give my child what God had intended for me to give him.  I ignored the free samples of formula that I received in the mail.  I reminded my husband how lucky he was to have a wife who wouldn't make him pay for over-priced formula and even pointed out in the grocery store just how much money he would save every week.  Yeah, I was about as obnoxious as I could be.

When Nicholas was born, I proudly told the nurses I would be breast feeding.  He latched on the first time like a little pro.  I never had any pain, and he never had any trouble.  This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.  Scott even let me pick out any nursing pillow I wanted in the gift shop.  Since he was premature, I was told his risk of developing jaundice would be high.  I needed to make sure he ate and kept gaining weight, so we set our alarms for every two hours and made sure he nursed for twenty to forty-five minutes.  We were released from the hospital on Wednesday- our boy weighed 6 lb 7 oz.

By Thursday night, something went wrong.  Nicholas would not eat. He was turning yellow. He slept all the time, and he would continue to sleep no matter what we did to try to get him to wake up to eat.  He went twelve hours without taking a sip.  As soon as Target opened the next morning, Scott went and bought a $300 breast pump, and I pumped as much milk as I could make.  We fed it to him with a medicine syringe.  We called the pediatrician and were told to bring him in.

Our boy had lost nearly a pound in 48 hours, and he was down to 5 lb 8 oz. The pediatrician confirmed through a blood test that he had jaundice.  We were to monitor him closely throughout the weekend and continue to feed him pumped milk, so I pumped every two hours.  We had daily blood tests.  The pedi called us a couple times a day. His jaundice numbers were climbing slowly.  Sunday night the pedi wanted to know how much he was eating, and I told him I only pumped half an ounce every 4 hours.  He told me that wasn't enough and to give him formula as a supplement, so I found the free samples and gave them to my son.  By the next morning, his numbers dropped significantly.  By the following day, his jaundice was gone.  By that Friday, he had regained his birth weight.  Things were looking up.

I continued to pump and alternate feeding formula.  I consulted lactation experts, took Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle, ate oatmeal at every meal and continued to wake every two hours to pump.  I tried to put Nicholas on the breast, but he would drink for about three minutes and start screaming.  By six weeks pp, I was producing all of three ounces of breast milk a day!

It was at this point that I finally admitted to myself that trying to be a good mother was turning me into a terrible one.  I was exhausted from pumping.  I was constantly having to put my son down to pump, leaving him in his bouncy seat for hours throughout the day.  Scott had to do the actual feedings while I pumped, so there was no chance for bonding.  No one was getting any sleep.  I felt like such a hypocrite the day I put the pump in the closet and started feeding him formula exclusively.  My need to "save face" turned me into the terrible mother.  Good mothers are the ones who put aside their personal feelings and do what is actually best for their children. 

I still get defensive when I read the instructions on my formula can, and it reminds me that breast milk is best. Or when I hear someone tell another person that they really hope she is breast feeding because she would be evil if she weren't.  I feel like wearing a banner that says "Breast is NOT ALWAYS best"!  

On that note, I would like to point out the (selfish) benefits of formula feeding:

Yep, My kid eats

1. Scott gets to do the night feedings too.  In fact, he has no excuse not to do them.

2. I can eat whatever I want and drink alcohol without a thought to the timing of feedings (Not that I drink more than a glass of wine at a time, but still....)

3. No need to keep on any baby weight.  My body is completely my own.